Windflower
by shiny kittens
Summary: Kits are a Blessing from Starclan. Sometimes they're a curse.


Soft light fell through the treetops and Made droplets of gold dance in Ivypools fur.

The she-cat closed her eyes and breathed in the warm scents of leaf-fall, the gentle murmur of the wind made her ears twitch.

A warm flank pressed against her own and a gentle smile graced her lips as she inhaled the familiar scent of herbs and Thunderclan.

She turned her head and buried her face in Jayfeathers soft fur.

His tongue ran gently over her ears.

„I wish you could stay."

His voice was husky, yet soft, like a feather brushing over pebbles.

A sigh escaped her throat.

„I have to, I've got the evening patrol."

He exhaled heavily, as if he could expel the regret that had wound around his heart with his breath.

„And I have to go and get feverfew."

With a heavy heart she disentangled herself from him.

„I thought the one at the twoleg-nest was ill?"

His eyes darkened with worry, changing from the colour of sky in newleaf to the same colour as the lake before a storm.

„It is, but there's another patch a little bit outside the territory where I can fetch some."

Worry began to gnaw at her stomach.

„You're leaving the territory?"  
Jayfeather rolled his eyes.  
„It's only a few foxlengths."  
He touched his nose to hers.

„It's not like I'm going to run away."

Her worry had changed into fear, which weighed in her stomach like rotting prey.

„You would have reason to..."

Her voice shook and her words were barely louder than the whispering of the wind.

„What are you talking about? Did somebody find out about us? Did Dovewing te-?"  
„No! But... that's going to change very soon."

The she-cat turned away from him, her ears folded back, muscles taut and ready to flee at any moment.

„Ivypool?"

„My Moonblood is late almost by an entire moon... and I've gained weight." she let out a half-amused half-bitter snort, „Dovewing asked me this morning if I swallowed an entire rabbit."

„You're expecting kits..." Jayfeather choked.

The tom took a step back, his eyes so wide you could see the whites.

They had the colour of shattered ice.

„How did I miss that?!"

Ivypool looked at him over her shoulder, her eyes were dark, almost black, like a moonless night.

„You didn't want to see it! Didn't want to accept that you made the same mistake as your mother, that you weren't any better than her despite pretending to be smarter!"  
He ignored her fear-fuelled words and started pacing.

„This is no problem. A queen doesn't have to say who the father is, no-one has to know."  
Claws of anger tore into her heart.

„You want me to lie to these kits?! After everything you've been through?! You want me to bear the suspicion of my clanmates who already don't trust me?!"  
He had come so close to her that she could feel his hot breath wash over her.

„You can take it! Do you have any idea what will happen if this comes out?! Thunderclan will be a mockery!"  
Tears of acid were running down here cheeks.

„This isn't about Thunderclan! This is about _you!_ The great Jayfeather! Saviour of the clans! Made into a laughingstock, because he couldn't keep his cock sheathed!"

His lips curled into a sneer.

„You can raise _your_ kits on your own. I won't acknowledge them as mine even if you shout it out at a gathering."  
The tom whirled around and stormed away through the under brush.

Ivypool stood frozen, her eyes opened wide in shock.

They fought often and, most of the time, they reconciled on the same day.

As an apology he would leave her blossoms of Windflowers, her favourite flowers, in her nest.

This time however, it felt like he had ripped her heart out with his claws, and she knew, there would be no windflowers waiting for her when she returned.

…

…

…

A thunderclap ripped Ivypool from her sleep, the she-cat had curled up in her nest after her patrol, both physically and emotionally exhausted.

The warriors den had been empty before, now it was full.

The shadows of night had driven the warriors into their nests.

Ivypool peered outside, where a flood of rain fell into camp.

Arcs of light split the inky clouds, a loud crash, as if the sky itself was bursting into pieces, followed after only heartbeats.

The young warrior hid her face behind her tail.

Starclans wrath tore the sky asunder and rained upon the territories of the clans.

_Please, forgive me..._

…

…

…

„Brightheart, you, Ivypool and Squirrelflight will take the sunhigh-patrol, check on the Windclan border, the evening-patrol will be led by Thornclaw, take Rosepetal and Spiderleg along and-"

„Brambleclaw!"

Leafpools call interrupted the deputy, who turned to the she-cat with a confused frown.

Leafpool usually wasn't that rude.  
„Leafpool, is something wrong?"

The medicine-cats eyes were pale with worry and her white paws kneaded the muddy ground nervously.

„Could you send somebody to look for Jayfeather? He didn't come home last night and I don't like the thought of him being out in that storm."  
Ivypool suddenly felt cold.

The toms face darkened.

„There won't be much of a trail to follow with that rain last night... Cloudtail! Take Sandstorm and see if you can pick up his trail, if you haven't found anything by sunhigh and Jayfeather still hasn't come back, we will send out search parties."

Leafpool bit her lip and nodded.

Ivypools world was spinning as quickly as her thoughts.

_Starclan, no..._

„_It's not like I'm going to run away."_

„_You can raise _your_ kits on your own!"_

_Please...no..._

…

…

…

Firestar sat beneath the Highledge, his ginger pelt blazing like embers in the dull light of leaf-fall and his eyes burned with the flames he was named after.

Leafpool sat next to him, her bony shoulders hunched.

Lionblaze was pacing furiously, sheathing and un-sheathing his claws.

Brambleclaw followed the toms walk with calm amber eyes, the only sign of tension being his tail that twitched occasionally.

Sandstorm pressed her pale pelt against her mates and answered his questioning gaze with a sad shake of her head.

„There's no sign of him. The rain washed any scent that could have lingered away and without an idea of where he might've gone, there's no way to look for physical evidence."

Cloudtails voice was calm, but his eyes were deeply troubled.

„Gather two patrols. We have to find him."

The white warrior nodded at his leaders command and disappeared into the warriors den.

„You didn't find him, did you?"

The cats looked at the young she-cat that had spoken, her usually fluffy pelt was dull and her tail dragged in the dirt behind her.

„No, we didn't. I'm sorry, Dovewing."

The she-cats yellow-green eyes lowered to the ground and she seemed torn for a moment, then she let out a determined huff and fixed her leaders eyes with her own.

„You should ask Ivypool."

Lionblazes eyes narrowed to slits.

„Ivypool? What does she have to do with this?"

The determination drained from the she-cat and she looked away guiltily.

„I-I shouldn't have said anything..."

Dovewing took a step back as if to leave but Lionblazes growl stopped her, suddenly she was an apprentice again, an apprentice that had angered her mentor.  
„Dovewing, tell us what you know. What does your sister know about Jayfeathers disappearance."

She glanced at her leader before affixing her gaze at the ground again.

„She didn't _do_ anything she's just... I saw... well, she's probably the last cat he's spoken to before he... got lost."

Leafpools face screwed up in confusion.

„I didn't see them together at all yesterday. Why would they even spend time together? They're not the closest of cats."

Dovewing snorted, a burnt-out anger lay in the sound, something almost bitter but wryly amused.

„They're good liars. They didn't spend much time together so no-one would suspect them."

„What are you talking about?" Firestar asked.

The fire in his eyes had turned to cold ash, he already knew the answer.

„They are mates."

Leafpool looked as if somebody had kicked her.

„We should question her... she's at the Windclan border, on patrol..."  
Brambleclaws voice was brittle like dry leaves.

„I'll get her." Lionblaze snarled.

His eyes, which normally had the colour of fresh honey, burned like the last rays of the dying sun.

…

…

…

Ivypool listlessly followed after the other two she-cats.

Her stomach roiled and her paws were heavy.

She didn't pay attention to the beauty of the forest in the red-orange gown of leaf-fall.

Her thoughts were on Jayfeather only, surely he hadn't fled and left her alone, had he?

No, Jayfeather would never forsake her like that!  
Her heart hurt at the thought of another reason for his disappearance.

_Starclan, please let him be alright!_

A mean little voice whispered in the back of her mind.

_He would've been back by now, if he was alright._

Bile rose in her throat and before she knew it, she was vomiting into the next bush.

„Are you okay, Ivypool?"

Brightheart gently stroked the younger she-cats side, which felt bloated and sensitive, with her tail.

Ivypool closed her eyes as tears of frustration rose in them.

She was upset, everything hurt and she had the taste of vomit in her mouth.

She felt miserable and disgusted.

_Nothing_ was okay.

„You should move into the nursery soon. Too much stress is bad for the kits _and _the mother."

Ivypools eyes snapped open and she stared at her grandmother in shock.

„What? You think I wouldn't notice? It's obvious you're expecting kits:"

„You're pregnant?!"

Squirrelflight squawked, slack-jawed.  
Brightheart snorted.

„Very astute, Squirrelflight."

„Oh, quiet you." the ginger she-cat grumbled, before she sidled up to Ivypool, a playful glint in her leafgreen eyes.

„So... I didn't know you had a mate. Is it your secret admirer that sometimes leaves flowers at your nest?"  
The silver-white she-cats heart dropped into her paws.

„Well... I-I... Technically I don't have a mate."

The two older she-cats exchanged a look.

„It is somebody from our clan, right?"

„O-Of course!"

Squirrelflight nodded sagely, then she grinned,

„Was it some kind of one-night arrangement? Or, ooooh, is it somebody who already has a mate? How naughty, Ivypool!"  
Brightheart flicked Squirrelflights ear as the youngest she-cat sputtered out a denial.

„Stop teasing her. We'll find out soon enough."

They had almost reached the Windclan-border and Heathertails pale fur already stood out amongst the gorse next to the duller shade of Weaselfur.

„Squirrelflight, how runs the prey?" the tom politely inclined his head.

„It goes well, Weaselfur. The rabbits aren't too fast for you?"  
„Nothings too fast for a Windclancat."

The Thunderclan she-cat snorted and was about to reply when a howl interrupted her.

„Ivypool!"

…

…

…

Lionblaze broke through the bushes like an angry badger.

His golden fur was dishevelled and littered with bits of leaves and sticks, his eyes glowed and his slitted pupils immediately focused on the cat whose name he'd called.

„We need to talk."

His voice was like thunder bursting from his chest.

Ivypool instinctively took a step back.

The warriors tone of voice combined with his dark gaze made her paws tremble.

„A-about what?"

„Jayfeather."

It was pure irrational panic that made her whirl around and flee.

Fear was making her heart flutter like a trapped bird.

The she-cat didn't get far, Lionblaze had grabbed her tail and flung her back to the other cats with an angry snarl.

The queens cry of fear pierced the air like a shard of ice.

She landed with a dull thud, only to be pressed down harder by two large golden paws.

It almost felt like something had torn inside her at impact.

Claws cut into her vulnerable flesh and she thrust her hind legs into the toms stomach, raking her claws through thick pale fur.

Lionblaze didn't seem to feel it.

He snarled at her and for one terrifying moment she thought he would go for her throat.

„What in Starclans name are you doing?!"

Heathertails shrill screech seemed to shock the other cats into action.

Squirrelflight bodily shoved Lionblaze away from Ivypool and hissed at him.

„How dare you attack a clanmate, a queen at that!? Have you completely lost your mind?!"

Lionblaze stumbled as if he'd been hit by a monster.

„You're expecting kits?", he choked, „What... How could you be this stupid?! Kits! _Kits! _Did you even spare one moment to think before you decided to fuck him?!"

„Oh, so it's entirely my fault that I'm expecting kits?! Of course your brother had nothing to do with it! After all it's not like it takes two cats to make kits, right?!"

Her snarl was loud in the sudden silence.

„Those are... Jayfeathers kits?" Squirrelflight whispered.

„_Again?"_ meowed Weaselfur, exasperated, „Seriously, can't you teach your medicine cats to follow the damn code?"

„Shut up!" Lionblaze growled.

The ginger tom just huffed and shook his head.

Lionblaze stared at Ivypool, his growl rose from deep within his throat.

„You were the last cat that saw him. Where is he?"

The storm of anger that had raged inside her was suddenly blown away and the only thing remaining were cold raindrops pelting the earth.

„I don't know... But it's probably far away from here... from me..."  
Brightheart tilted her head.

„Why would he leave you like this? Did he have urgent business with Starclan or some kind of message from them?"

Ivypool shook her head as tears gathered in her eyes.

„I-He... We had a-a fight... a-and he s-said, h-he s-said that-"

A sob tore from her throat and her entire body started to tremble.

„What did he say, Ivypool?"

Brightheart pressed her flank against her granddaughters.

„H-He sa-said I could raise m-my kits a-alone."

Squirrelflight sat down heavily, her eyes dull.

„You think he abandoned you."

„Jayfeather would never do that! He wouldn't run away from this! He says stupid stuff when he's angry, you know that!" Lionblaze snapped.

„Then where is he?!" Ivypool cried out, „What's the alternative, Lionblaze?! I' d rather have him be a coward than dead!"

The silence that followed was heavy and uncomfortable.

Squirrelflight broke it.

„We should return to camp..."

…

…

…

Ivypools fur burned as she slunk into camp after Lionblaze.

Apparently the news about her affair with Jayfeather had made the rounds, since cats were starring at her and whispering to each other.

She kept her eyes lowered to the ground as she approached Firestar.

Pawsteps made her look up and she met Whitewings gaze.

Her mothers eyes were cold hard emeralds.

„I'm disappointed in you."

The young she-cat winced.

„To do something so stupid! As if you haven't dragged your name through the mud enough! What were you thinking?!"  
The queen folded her ears against her skull.

„Ivypool's expecting kits." Lionblaze blurted.

The silver-white she-cat stared at him in shock.

„What the _fuck, _Lionblaze?!"

Was this sick asshole enjoying her getting scolded?!

Her train of thought was derailed by her head being whipped to the side and a stinging sensation on her cheek.

Slowly, she turned her head to look at her mother, not comprehending.

Had- Had her mother just slapped her?

She couldn't remember Whitewing ever raising a paw to either of her daughters.

„How _dare_ you-!"

„Whitewing, that's enough."

Firestars voice cut the white she-cats angry hiss off.

„Ivypool, I know this is a difficult situation for you, and we will take care of this, but we have more important thin gs to talk about right now. Your sister told us that you were the last cat to see Jayfeather before his disappearance. Did he tell you anything about where he was going?"

Ivypool opened her mouth to answer, but was interrupted by a shout.

„The search parties are back!"

_Ivypool looked up and her heart shattered._

Leaning heavily against Thornclaws side was Jayfeather, his left hind leg was bloody and he held it up gingerly.

But he was _alive!_

„Jayfeather!"

Leafpool and Lionblaze raced through camp like lightning chased by thunder.

„You're hurt!" the she-cat exclaimed, worried.

„Where in Starclans name have you been?!"

Lionblaze sniffed at his brother who brushed him off with an annoyed huff.

„He was at the back of the territory, trapped under a branch that had fallen on him."

Cloudtails eyes glimmered with amusement.

Jayfeather glared at him.

„Couldn't you have made up something less embarrassing?"

Ivypool pressed her head against the blind toms chest.

„Thank Starclan you're alright." she whispered.

He licked her ears.

„I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it."

She gave him a watery smile.

„All forgiven."

„I brought you something."

A purr rose in her throat as he tucked a windflower behind her ear.

He smiled in answer, soft and warm and only for her.

If only...

_Ivypool looked up and her heart shattered._

Jayfeather was hanging limply from Thornclaws jaws, dried blood clinging to the fur around his neck.

Leafpools scream tore the air and Ivypools paws gave out.

„How...?" Lionblaze choked as Thornclaw gently laid the body underneath the highledge.

„A branch fell on him. It broke his neck."

Cloudtails eyes were dark with sadness.

Ivypool couldn't breathe as sobs were ripped out of her.

This couldn't be true.

_Please Starclan, let this all be a terrible nightmare!_

Dovewing pressed herself against her flank, the she-cats eyes were the colour of dead ferns.

„I'm so sorry, Ivypool."

…

…

…

Frost had crept into the forest, freezing grass into claws and transforming leaves into blades of ice.

The sun was hidden behind dove-gray clouds, Ivypool watched as her breath rose into the air to join them.

Leaf-bare had come early, only half a moon had passed since Jayfeathers death.

Half a moon since Ivypool had last spoken.

Cats had slowly given up on her, had stopped speaking to the empty husk of queen that drifted through the day unresponsive and uncaring.

Sometimes she cried, when she could feel her kits move inside her, she would cry.

She loved them and she hated them but mostly she felt nothing for them.

She felt nothing about most things.

She was dead and still alive, trapped in an endless in-between unable to go to either side.

She blinked as her sister stopped in front of her.

„Ivypool! You haven't eaten today, right?"

She dropped a vole in front of her as she said this.

Ivypool began to eat mechanically.

The meat tasted like cold and frost and ash.

„You're so cold!" Dovewing exclaimed when she touched her, „Let's go back into the nursery."

Ivypool blinked at her for a heartbeat, the words not quite registering.

Dovewing nudged her gently and the queen slowly, painfully, rose to her paws.

The air in the nursery was warm and thick with the scent of milk.

Ivypool hated it.

Daisy mewed a greeting as they entered, she was curled around Cinderhearts kits, the other she-cat having gone hunting with her mate.

„Leafpool came by earlier and brought some feathers for your nest, Ivypool. I'm sure you'll like it."

Ivypool flopped down into her nest, not feeling the added softness and warmth.

„I'll thank Leafpool later. She's been very kind." Dovewing said and began to wash her sisters cold fur gently, talking about her day and chatting with Daisy.

The rhythmic motion soon lulled Ivypool to sleep.

Her dreams were empty.

…

…

…

Pain woke her.

It was dark and only a sliver of moonlight fell into the den, making Daisys fur glow.

The other Queen was still curled around Cinderhearts kits, apparently the other queen had decided to sleep in the warriors den tonight.

_More like she's still out with Lionblaze._

Ivypool inhaled sharply as another wave of pain ran through her.

Was she in the wrong position?

She often woke up being uncomfortable because she lay wrong.

She pulled her legs closer to herself and froze.

Her nest was wet.

Her cheeks heated.

_Please tell me I didn't just pee myself._

She made to stand up but the pain wouldn't let her.

She could feel liquid running down her hind legs.

That's when the smell hit her, sharp and metallic.

It smelled like blood.

The queens eyes widened and her breath came in quick bursts.

_It's too early! The kits aren't supposed to come for another moon!_

A cry rose from her throat as the pain grew stronger.

_Daisy! I have to wake her!_

„D-Daisy...!"

Her voice was weak and scratchy from disuse.

„Daisy...! _Daisy!"_

The cream coloured she-cats eyes opened and she blinked sleepily at her.

„Ivypool?... Did you say something?"

„Daisy... I-.. _kits!_"

Her sentence ended in a shriek as her body trembled in agony.

The older queen was suddenly fully awake.

„Oh, dear! Don't worry, Sweetleaf. I'll get Leafpool!"

…

…

…

Cats complained as Ivypools screams woke them in the middle of the night.

Their complain died on their tongue as dawn approached and the she cats whimpers and cries could still be heard.

…

…

…

Ivypool was exhausted.

She had never been so exhausted or in so much pain before.

She wanted it to be over.

But her first kit hadn't been born yet.

She had a feeling it never would.

The contractions had been so strong before that her body had arched in protest, now they were only weak shivers running down her flank.

The smell of blood was so thick you could taste it.

Ivypool wanted the hated scent of milk back.

„Some-something's... wrong...isn't it?" she asked.

Leafpool couldn't look at her.

„L-Leafpool...?"

The medicine-cats eyes were filled with tears.

„I'm sorry... I-I'm so sorry."

Ivypool closed her eyes.

She was so tired.

It took all of her power to press air into her lungs.

„Why is this happening? She shouldn't be bleeding this much..."

Daisys voice was scratchy and wet, it sounded like she was crying.

„I-I don't know... it's almost like something is damaged inside of her. Like she's been fighting, but she was in the camp all this time so I-I don't know how..."

Ivypool slowly peeled her eyes open, it was hard.

„I'm... going to... die...aren't I...?"

Leafpool pressed her muzzle against Ivypools.

„I'm sorry..."

Tears dripped onto the dying queens face.


End file.
